What is Future Faking, and Why Abusers Use This Tactic to Keep Control Over You

Future faking is a common form of emotional abuse in relationships, where one partner makes grand promises about a future together—such as marriage, immigration support, or long-term commitment—without any intention of following through. This tactic creates false hope and emotional dependence, often used to manipulate the other person into staying or giving more. It’s one of the major LGBTQ+ relationship red flags, especially when one partner holds more power, like citizenship or financial control, and uses those promises to maintain dominance.

The Trap of False Promises in LGBTQ+ Relationships

Future faking is a manipulative tactic where one partner makes promises about a shared future—moving in together, marriage, getting a visa—without ever planning to follow through. It’s a way to keep the other person emotionally hooked and hopeful. This tactic is especially damaging in LGBTQ+ relationships, where vulnerability is often already heightened due to social stigma, immigration issues, or lack of family support. For example, a U.S. citizen in a same-sex relationship might tell their foreign partner they plan to marry them so they can get a green card and live openly without fear. But behind this promise, there’s no intention to follow through. The abuser simply wants to keep the upper hand—financially, legally, or emotionally—while avoiding accountability for their present actions. These empty future plans create an illusion of balance that delays the victim from leaving or seeking better.

A bright future is a strong motivation that an abuser can use against you.

How Abusers Weaponize the Future

Abusers use future faking to maintain control by keeping their partner invested in a fantasy. Each time an issue arises—lying, neglect, emotional manipulation—they distract from it with another promise: “We’ll fix everything once we move in together,” or “I’m just stressed now, but things will be better when we’re married.” These promises are tools to silence complaints and stall confrontation. Worse, when the abused partner starts doubting the relationship, the abuser often flips the script. They accuse their partner of being “opportunistic,” claiming the relationship was never about love but about using them for status, stability, or citizenship. This tactic confuses the victim, isolates them, and further erodes their sense of self-worth.

The Lasting Damage of Future Faking

The emotional toll of future faking is heavy. Over time, victims may struggle to trust their own instincts. They stay hopeful while reality keeps hurting them. This confusion can lead to anxiety, depression, and serious self-esteem issues. Imagine being told over and over that the relationship is leading somewhere meaningful—only to have those dreams crushed repeatedly. You start to question your value, wondering if you were ever really loved or if you’re just “too demanding.” Many victims stop expressing their needs altogether for fear of being labeled ungrateful or selfish. This emotional silence is exactly what the abuser wants: a partner who no longer believes they deserve more.

Spotting Future Faking Before It Hurts You

Detecting future faking early can help protect you from deeper harm. Look for patterns. Does your partner make big plans but avoid discussing logistics or dates? Do they shut down or guilt-trip you when you bring up real concerns? Do their promises serve as excuses to delay change or accountability? Trust your gut—if something feels off, it usually is. Pay attention to how often you’re the one doing the work to make the future happen, while they do little but talk. If they accuse you of being ungrateful or manipulative when you question their intentions, that’s a major red flag. A real partner welcomes dialogue and takes shared plans seriously. A future faker shuts it down and makes you feel like the problem.

In a toxic relationship, an abuser may promise a shared future—like travel or marriage—but then cancel plans and blame you for it, using guilt to stay in control.

You Deserve a Real Future, Not a Fake One

Future faking is not just about broken promises—it’s about control. It keeps you in a relationship that isn’t safe or balanced, while your partner keeps power over your hope, your emotions, and your choices. If you’re in a situation where someone keeps offering a better “someday” while giving you very little today, take a hard look at what they’re really offering. It might just be manipulation disguised as love. You are not asking for too much when you want honesty, commitment, and progress. You are asking for what every healthy relationship should offer. Don’t let anyone convince you that you're a burden for wanting clarity or a future where both partners are equal.

Choose Yourself, and Choose Better

If this sounds like your experience, you’re not alone. Many people—especially in marginalized communities—fall into the cycle of future faking because they believe they don’t deserve more. That’s not true. You deserve to be with someone who matches words with actions. If you suspect you’re being manipulated, talk to a trusted friend or reach out to a mental health professional. Healing starts with recognizing the signs and refusing to accept anything less than respect, honesty, and genuine love. Don’t let empty promises keep you in pain. You are worth more.