Are Abusers Aware of the Fact They Abuse and Manipulate?
- vincentopoix
- May 22
- 3 min read
The question of whether an abuser truly understands their harmful actions weighs heavily on survivors. It's a complex question, often without simple answers. However, one truth stands firm: abuse is wrong, regardless of the abuser's level of awareness or self-justification. People are responsible for their behavior toward others. Understanding an abuser's mindset should never excuse their actions. This fundamental principle remains especially important for survivors to hold onto as they explore this challenging topic.
The Abuser's Distorted Reality
Some abusers operate from a deeply distorted sense of reality. They might genuinely believe they have done nothing wrong, or even see themselves as the victim in a given situation. This often happens with individuals who meet criteria for personality disorders, particularly narcissistic or antisocial personality traits. Their cognitive distortions can prevent them from seeing their actions clearly. For example, an abuser who constantly checks their partner's phone might truly believe they are protecting their partner, not controlling them. This firm conviction in their own distorted truth can make them appear believable to outsiders, including mutual friends or even legal professionals who lack a background in mental health. When others accept the abuser's false narrative, they unknowingly reinforce this twisted reality, making it harder for the victim to be believed.
Projection: An Abuser's Defense Mechanism
Abusers often engage in projection, a defense mechanism where they attribute their own unacceptable thoughts or feelings to their victims. They might accuse their partner of stalking them while secretly tracking their every move, or claim their partner is unfaithful when they are the one cheating. This "do what I say, not what I do" mentality is a hallmark of many abusive relationships. The abuser places their own negative traits and behaviors squarely onto the victim, creating a confusing and disorienting dynamic. A normal person recognizes that controlling a partner's relationships with family, for instance, crosses a line. An abuser, however, might understand this boundary but then immediately justify their actions, claiming it's necessary because the family "doesn't support our relationship." They are masters of the "yes, but" defense, always finding a reason to absolve themselves of fault.
Trauma As An Excuse?
Sometimes, an abuser's behavior stems from their own unaddressed trauma. A sense of helplessness or a past history of abuse can drive a need for control, which then manifests as abusive patterns. While victims might feel empathy for an abuser's past, it's crucial to remember that past pain never justifies current harm. Hurt people sometimes hurt others, wanting them to feel a similar kind of pain. This doesn't mean they are fully self-aware or understand the damage they inflict. Some may be genuinely unaware that their actions constitute abuse, especially if they grew up in environments where controlling behaviors were normalized. For instance, some people genuinely believe extreme jealousy signals love, not control. Others might know their actions are wrong but feel unable to stop, perhaps due to underdeveloped coping mechanisms or underlying mental health issues that cause emotional dysregulation. These individuals might feel immense guilt after an outburst and express a desire for change, though they often need professional help to manage their emotions and reactions.
Ultimately, remember that abuse is always wrong, regardless of the abuser's awareness or reasons. Focus on the harmful actions and behaviors, not on trying to decipher their inner thoughts. Spending time analyzing an abuser's mindset takes away from your own healing journey. Validate your truth and your experiences. Surround yourself with people who believe in you and support your well-being. If you need help processing what you've endured, consider speaking with a therapist who specializes in abusive relationships and trauma. You deserve to want better for yourself.
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