Why some victims of Intimate Partner Violence stay (and why you must not stop being there for them)?

The decision to remain in an abusive relationship defies easy explanation from an outside perspective. Many individuals assume that if a situation becomes truly harmful, a person would simply leave. This thinking overlooks the complex web of emotions, fears, and practical barriers that hold someone captive. The reality is far more intricate, and understanding these reasons is crucial for offering true support.

Friends and family support can be crucial for victims of abuse.

The Victim's Complex Reality

Individuals often stay in abusive relationships because escaping feels more terrifying than enduring the current situation. The fear of the unknown can be overwhelming, and abusers frequently threaten physical harm if a partner attempts to leave. It's a stark truth that victims face the highest risk of injury precisely when they try to depart. Some may even believe they maintain a sense of control by staying, thinking they can predict and manage their abuser's moods or movements, reducing immediate danger. Fear can extend to loved ones; a victim might worry the violence could reach friends or family members who try to help them escape. Over time, an abuser often erodes a victim's sense of self, making decisions for them, isolating them from friends, family, and employment. This can leave someone entirely reliant on their abuser for financial and emotional support, creating immense practical barriers to leaving. Abusers also frequently promise change, expressing deep remorse. A victim, wanting to believe in the person they once loved, holds onto this hope. Guilt can also play a powerful role; victims sometimes feel a deep responsibility for their abuser, believing they are the only person who hasn't abandoned them. The constant demeaning behavior from an abuser can destroy a victim's self-esteem, leading them to believe they do not deserve better treatment. Concerns for children, including threats of losing custody, form another significant barrier. And despite all the harm, the love that initially drew them into the relationship often does not simply vanish. Financial hardship, such as lacking funds for temporary housing or travel, removes even more options for departure.

Understanding the Difficulty of Leaving

The idea that someone would simply leave if the abuse were "bad enough" ignores the profound difficulty and immense bravery required to exit such a situation. Abusive relationships rarely begin with immediate violence; they usually start with love and connection. Abuse typically takes hold gradually, often after deep emotional ties have formed, making it much harder to break free. It’s also vital to remember that not all intimate partner violence involves physical harm; emotional, financial, and psychological abuse can be just as devastating, leaving no visible marks. A victim might still love their partner, clinging to hope when apologies and promises of change come. They may fear for their life, have no safe place to go, or lack financial independence. Abusers often deliberately isolate their partners from support networks, making escape even harder. For LGBTQ+ individuals, additional layers of fear can exist, such as worries about being outed, facing discrimination in mainstream shelters, or encountering judgment even within their own community. Such individuals need compassion and understanding, not criticism.

Why Friends and Family Must Persist

Friends and family members often struggle when someone they care about stays in a harmful relationship. Harmful myths can cloud their judgment. For example, some believe domestic violence is a private family matter; it is not, it is a crime with serious consequences. Others underestimate the severity, thinking "it cannot really be that serious." In fact, domestic violence leads to more injuries requiring medical attention than rape, car accidents, and muggings combined. According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control, over half of female homicide victims in the United States lost their lives due to intimate partner violence. Abuse happens across all ages, backgrounds, and communities. The idea that a victim somehow provokes the violence is false; a victim never deserves such treatment. When someone remains in a relationship, it is not a sign of indifference to their children; they are likely doing their best to protect them, fearing loss of custody or lacking resources to support them alone. An abuser can appear charming outside the home, leading friends to doubt accusations. Believing abuse is a mental illness wrongly excuses the abuser's actions. While substance use might intensify behavior, it does not cause violence. And a victim may still care for an abuser who shows remorse, hoping for change. If a friend pulls away, it might be the abuser isolating them, or the victim fearing judgment.

To help, educate yourself about domestic violence. Connect with local domestic violence hotlines and programs; their advocates can provide immense support. Lend a sympathetic ear without judgment, allowing your friend to confide when ready. Guide them to professional community services, stressing that they are not alone. Focus on your friend's strengths, reminding them they deserve a life free from violence. Offer practical help like transportation or childcare. Confront the danger honestly but empathetically, reminding them of the risks. Help them create a safety plan, including an emergency bag with important documents, and offer to store it. Consider helping with a pet, as concern for animals can delay leaving. If your friend decides to leave, direct them to a local domestic violence hotline or shelter, and always prioritize discretion and safety. If you witness a violent incident, call the police immediately. Ultimately, you deserve to be safe, valued, and respected in all your relationships. Understand that leaving an abusive situation takes immense strength and courage, and it is a journey. Do not let external judgments or internal doubts deter you from seeking safety and happiness. Focus on your own well-being. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and believe your truth. Reach out to professionals who specialize in supporting survivors of abusive relationships; they can offer crucial guidance on your path to healing and a better future.