My partner is slut-shaming me: is it a form of abuse?

Shame can become a powerful weapon in a relationship. While playful teasing might occur between partners, a clear line exists between banter and abuse. When your partner uses your past traumatic events, belittles your hobbies, or, especially, slut-shames you for previous relationships or your current sexual expression, it shifts into toxic territory. Slut-shaming specifically targets your sexual history or freedom, attempting to use it against you. It's a deeply rooted issue, historically used to control and oppress, but its impact extends beyond gender and orientation, often appearing in intimate partner violence.

Slut-Shaming as a Control Tactic

Slut-shaming, at its core, is a manipulative tactic designed to control a partner. It involves accusing someone of being "too sexual," then using that accusation to humiliate or demean them. The abuser's psychology often hinges on a need for power and superiority. By putting their partner down, they elevate themselves. This behavior is a direct manifestation of jealousy and control, both deeply toxic traits. When a partner engages in slut-shaming, they aim to provoke a reaction, then blame the victim for that reaction, labeling them "crazy," "overly sensitive," or "angry" for a legitimate response to humiliation.

This tactic is not exclusive to heterosexual relationships or limited to women. In LGBTQ+ relationships, a gay man might be slut-shamed by a jealous partner for his past experiences in open relationships or for using hookup apps like Grindr before entering a monogamous relationship. His partner might call him a "slut" in front of their friends, or undermine his right to expect faithfulness because of his "promiscuous" past. Such abusive remarks also appear in questions like, "You've been with so many people before. How will I know that you only want to be with me?" or "Just because you've had polyamorous relationships doesn't mean I want to sleep with everyone too." These are wrong and unjustifiable statements no one should tolerate, especially from a partner. An abusive partner, particularly in a monogamous LGBTQ+ relationship, might frequently question or challenge their partner's fidelity. This aims to establish the abuser as the "pure" or "good" one, asserting control and superiority over the "bad" or "to blame" partner.

Slut-shaming is criticizing or demeaning someone for their real or perceived sexual activity or expression, often rooted in harmful double standards and used to control or humiliate.

The Threat of a Partner's Jealousy and Control

Slut-shaming serves as a potent tool for control. It allows the abuser to dictate how their partner should dress, act, and express themselves sexually. This form of verbal abuse aims to diminish a partner's self-worth and independence. Examples include partners getting rid of their loved one's clothes, replacing them with "modest" attire, or monitoring their movements in public. They might set strict limits on who their partner can meet, when they can go out, or what they can do. Such behavior reflects a deep-seated jealousy and a need to control. Sometimes, an abuser may even feign "openness" to a partner's personal expression, like dressing boldly or visiting gay bars, but in exchange, demand disproportionate "compensation," such as claiming a right to infidelity for a perceived slight like briefly leaving their side in a public place. This twisted logic frames the abuser's harmful behavior as a justified reaction, blaming the victim for their own actions.

The goal is to instill fear and shame, forcing the victim to censor their authentic self. This control extends to questioning achievements, undermining them based on perceived "sexuality" or "gender-inappropriate" behavior. In the LGBTQ+ community, this can manifest as criticizing gay men for expressing their bodies during community celebrations like Mardi Gras or Pride, or using derogatory terms related to their sexual activity. A particularly harmful trend in the queer community involves "slut-shaming" individuals who use PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis), a revolutionary step in HIV prevention, by implying they are "dirty" for potentially having multiple partners or engaging in certain sexual activities. This mirrors the shaming women have historically endured about birth control, connecting modern health responsibility with outdated notions of promiscuity. These behaviors, regardless of their specific context, are forms of manipulation and control aimed at eroding a partner's autonomy and sense of self.

Protecting Your Boundaries and Seeking Respect

The effects of slut-shaming are far-reaching and deeply damaging. The constant threat can force individuals to live in fear of bullying and rejection, preventing them from being their authentic selves. It fosters secrecy and shame around sexuality, making it harder for victims to speak up about critical issues like sexual assault or to seek essential sexual health care. It can lead to body image issues, depression, anxiety, and even suicidal thoughts. No one, regardless of their past or present, deserves to be slut-shamed.

Recognizing these tactics is the first step toward self-protection. You must establish healthy boundaries, making it clear that such demeaning behavior is unacceptable. If your partner continues to engage in slut-shaming, blames you for your legitimate reactions, or refuses to respect your boundaries, it is a clear sign of abuse. Your past or current sexual expression is your own, and it is not a weapon for someone else to use against you. Your worth is not tied to anyone else's judgment. You have the right to feel safe, respected, and free to express your sexuality on your own terms. If the situation does not improve, or if you consistently receive disrespect, know that you deserve a relationship built on trust and genuine regard. Do not hesitate to seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional resources. Stand your ground, demand the respect you deserve, and wish better for yourself.